When we think about 鈥済ood listening鈥� there are many aspects that come to mind. And behind this practice is a belief and trust that it can be beneficial for clients to explore their own experiences, perceptions, and motivations. By being in the presence of a 鈥済ood listener鈥� and having the client exploring their own experience, an atmosphere is created for change to be possible. And we know that change, healing, and transformation is not related to us, as practitioners, sharing our expertise. Instead, it is by being with a client as they do the work of looking at their own life situation and circumstances. Oftentimes, however, this process of self-exploration can take many detours if there is not a skilled practitioner allowing the client to keep going, and continuing to explore and come up against material that may be uncomfortable and where there is ambivalence.
What can be helpful is the use of reflective listening, which was originally termed 鈥渁ccurate empathy鈥� by Carl Rogers (1965) and 鈥渁ctive listening鈥� by his student Thomas Gordon (1970). And in my experience, I have found this practice to be extremely useful not only in my professional work, but also in my day to day interactions with family, friends, and colleagues. I believe this skill is just good communication and can be a valuable way to interact with others.
We often think being quiet for a period of time while the other person is talking is 鈥済ood listening.鈥� However, in reflective listening, the key is how the practitioner responds to what is being said by the client. This is why Thomas Gordon (1970) referred to listening as an 鈥渁ctive鈥� and not as a 鈥減assive鈥� experience for the practitioner. And to illustrate this point, Gordon described 12 kinds of responses that people often share with each other that are not listening:
- Ordering, direction, or commanding
- Warning, cautioning, or threatening
- Giving advice, making suggestions, or providing solutions
- Persuading with logic, arguing, or lecturing
- Telling people what they should do; moralizing
- Disagreeing, judging, criticizing, or blaming
- Agreeing, approving, or praising
- Shaming, ridiculing, or labeling
- Interpreting or analyzing
- Reassuring, sympathizing, or consoling
- Questioning or probing
- Withdrawing, distracting, humoring, or changing the subject
Gordon refers to these 12 response categories as 鈥渞oadblocks鈥� because they can interfere with listening and distract the client from self-exploration. The other 鈥渄ynamic鈥� that is often created is one of unevenness and where the practitioner is seen as the expert and where the client shifts their focus from their own experience to what the practitioner is saying鈥nd where the interaction is no longer client-centered.
An example provided by Gordon is a practitioner talking with a client who feels two ways about an important decision. Gordon has put in the number corresponding to the 鈥渞oadblocks鈥� above.
Client:聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 I just don鈥檛 know whether to leave him or not.
Practitioner: 聽 聽 聽 聽 You should do whatever you think is best. (#5)
Client: 聽 聽 聽 聽 聽 聽 聽 聽 聽 聽But that鈥檚 the point! I don鈥檛 know what鈥檚 best!
Practitioner: 聽 聽 聽 聽 Yes, you do, in your heart. (#6)
Client: 聽 聽 聽 聽 聽 聽 聽 聽 聽 聽Well, I just feel trapped, stifled in our relationship.
Practitioner: 聽 聽 聽 聽 Have you thought about separating for a while to see how you feel? (#3)
Client: 聽 聽 聽 聽 聽 聽 聽 聽 聽 聽But I love him, and it would hurt him so much if I left!
Practitioner: 聽 聽 聽 聽 Yet, if you don鈥檛 do it, you could be wasting your life. (#2)
Client: 聽 聽 聽 聽 聽 聽 聽 聽 聽 聽But isn鈥檛 that kind of selfish?
Practitioner: 聽 聽 聽 聽 It鈥檚 just what you have to do to take care of yourself. (#4)
Client: 聽 聽 聽 聽 聽 聽 聽 聽 聽 聽I just don鈥檛 know how I could do it, how I鈥檇 manage.
Practitioner: 聽 聽 聽 聽 I鈥檓 sure you鈥檒l be fine. (#10)
The client has not been supported in their personal exploration because they have had to respond to the 鈥渞oadblocks鈥� brought up by the practitioner. The practitioner has not been listening, but instead, has been guiding the client towards leaving the relationship.
This blog post has primarily focused on the evolution of listening and 鈥渞oadblocks鈥� that are often experienced in verbal interactions with others. Next month, we will focus on reflective listening and effective responses back to the client in order for the conversation to continue and personal exploration of ambivalence to occur.
For more information about Motivational Interviewing or related services, contact Eunice Akinyi Okumu, by phone (919) 843-2532, or by email, eunice_okumu@med.unc.edu.